Detachment is a muscle you need to strengthen.
Oh that’s bold of me, to preach about detachment. Someone who feels so passionately and deeply about things that detachment has historically felt like losing a limb.
What do you mean a two page text is too much? How else will I fix this feeling misunderstood?
Yeah, that was me. Still is at times if I’m being honest. I’m Irish, German, and Sicilian. A filter doesn’t come easy. I’ve got something to say? I’ll probably just say it.
And ruminate about it for three days after.
But the art of detachment is where your peace truly lies. So how do you strengthen this muscle?
1. Get comfortable with feeling misunderstood.
That’s all we really want as human beings, right? Is to feel seen, understood. But the truth is that everyone is viewing you through their own filter. A lens unique to each person. Sometimes their lens is clear, their ability to relate to others without letting their own judgements/ego interfere comes easy. These people are usually emotionally mature, easy to get along with.
On the other hand, sometimes the lens is so muddied by their own shit that they can barely recognize themselves so how the F are they going to hold space for you to be yourself?
Self reflection is important, none of us are perfect. But if someone continuously makes you feel bad about being you — detach. Those aren’t your people. Period.
2. Get grounded.
It’s almost impossible to detach if you don’t trust yourself enough to let go. This one was hard for me until recently. If you identify as an empathetic person, you might find setting a boundary or removing yourself from a situation no longer serving you harder than most people. “What if I’m the problem?”. Insert making excuses for other people’s bad behavior here. Stop that. Ground yourself in a value system, talk to a third party (like an unbiased friend or a therapist, not your go-to echo chamber). But make an opinion of yourself and stick to that. You don’t need validation if your gut tells you something isn’t for you anymore.
3. Develop a certain level of independence.
It’s easier to detach when you have your own things going on. Have friends outside of one friend group, get a hobby. Do something that fulfills you regularly. Don’t rely on someone or something to the point of paralyzation.
4. Gain perspective.
Listen to Podcasts, talk to people regularly, travel, reflect. It’s easier to confidently move on when you can first consider someone else’s perspective from a place of empathy. After that, recognize a misalignment and make your decision.
5. If it’s costing you your peace, it’s too much.
Sometimes it’s hard to decide when detachment is necessary. Ask yourself if it’s costing too much of your peace. If you are becoming frustrated more and more often, chances are it’s time to take a step back. Going back and forth with someone or something for too long can become disorienting. This doesn’t mean avoid conflict all together. It just means that you should learn to recognize when something is taking up too much of your energy reserves.
6. It’s ok to change your mind.
This doesn’t mean go back and forth creating a toxic pattern of catch and release. It just means that it is ok to change your mind later. Detachment doesn’t always have to be permanent. Sometimes it is good for the sake of pause. When we can step out of a situation momentarily and view it from a more neutral perspective, it can offer a chance to come back to it later with fresh eyes or even a greater appreciation.
7. Practice, practice, practice.
This won’t come overnight. Be patient with yourself
It’s important to remember that detachment isn’t loud. I think that it’s often better that it be left unannounced. Let it be a soft exit — distancing yourself subtly or disengaging completely. When you reach the point of detachment, often too much has been said or done already. Allow yourself to soften and choose a different path with confidence, trusting in your ability to discern misaligned situations <3
